Life has been distracting lately. Since Zimbabwe a lot has been going on in me. Lot's of ups and downs, so much so i feel like i'm going through menopause or something! (minus the hot flashes). Anyways, I'm sure it is a casualty of going on such an emotionally intense trip like that.
Upon returning the enemy spared no time in executing his attacks on us. I had this mindset, that once I got home things would be dramatically different for me. I would be a new man, changed for the good to go out and do God's work until it killed me. foolishly I was overconfident, and the fall was hard. I didn't talk much about the trip, other than to people who went. I didn't think anyone else would really understand. So, before I knew it, I was forgetting all of the things that God revealed to me on the trip. I spent a few weeks just really confused, wondering why I felt so discontent. I began to blame it on other things and just grow more and more distracted. I hated my job, nay, loathed it. Going to work, was like being sent to the inferno for me. I decided that the reason I was so unfulfilled was because I was living a boring life. When I should have realized that it was because I had stopped seeking God's guidance on my return. It was almost as if the enemy had dirtied the window through which i speak and listen to God, and was hiding on the other side pretending to be him.
But God loves me too much. Things got better after our first debriefing meeting. I realized i wasn't the only one hurting and was able to reminisce about our trip again. It was the perfect tonic for my ailment, and from there on, things began to progress. I trying to be more optimistic about everything that God had blessed my with, (namely my job), and I spent less time pouring all the time I have into getting out of the house to forget my problems, and more time in solitude, seeking after what God wants me to do next. (I had forgotten all about this blog, which I had originally designed to use as an outlet for my thoughts upon returning).
So things were better for a while, I was spending more consistent time in the word than ever before, and I was still trying my best to be content. But, undulation is as undulation does. So lately, I have just been falling back into that cursed rut. Feeling a need for something greater, discontent in different areas in my life, longing for stuff which will come in time, but not just yet. I know that I need to just put give it all up to God, it's just a matter of doing it and moving on. It's a rough procedure, It's literally like that age old fable of the angel and devil on each shoulder whispering truths and lies into each ear. It grows tiresome, but I have faith that in time God will bring clarity, and contentment. Until then, I will just keep seeking after him! (and keep on putting up new posts!)
~Jeremiah 29:11~
"Joy is a temporal thing. It's breif capacity, as a referance, gives it pleasure." Read that today in don millers book blue like jazz. It reminded me of my post ans I thought it a noteworthy addition, because it is comforting to know that joy will return, and it's brevity gives it a greater capacity for greatness.
ReplyDeleteThe thing about undulation is that you CAN alter it over time. You have to be consistent though, and most of us struggle with things that take time. By drawing closer to God, through time in His word EVERY SINGLE day. The current of your contentment and the level of your Holy discontentment will become the wave that you follow. It is okay not to fight the wave completely--you will exhaust yourself. Ride it and work hard to alter what you can.
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