About 6 months ago I was blessed with the opportunity to visit Zimbabwe, Africa for the second time on a short term mission team. It was amazing to say the least, but also one of the hardest experiences of my life. Most people don't know this, including many of my team members and close friends. But while I was there I came under severe spiritual attack that sent me into a whirlwind of anxiety and depravity. To make matters worse the fact that my mind was so broken and far from what I was doing while I was there just made me feel even worse. That said, I was really able to slow down and sit back a bit on this trip.
The first time I went to Zimbabwe I was so excited just to be there that there that joy overflowed quite naturally. I was energetic and excited, jumping on every opportunity to serve or partake in a new experience. It was a great trip that really changed my life dramatically, drawing me out of my futile and meaningless anxieties at home, and stirring in me a new infatuation with missions. That said, I would trade in all of it if it meant securing my painful experience on the second trip.
Something remarkable happened to me after I got home from Zimbabwe 6 months ago, and I would say it is largely due to the fact that I was forced to slow down while in Africa. While there, I was blessed to form some relationships with some real, loving, serious, disciplined Christ followers. The conversations I had with some of the young men there, most of them my age or just a year or two older, shook me. These were Christians...these were young men of wisdom, of dignity, of Christ.
I got home, and I grew up, (or God grew me up). Not just in the aspect of becoming a more mature adult, but spiritually, God swept me up in a wind of personal conviction that has plagued and blessed my life ever since. Things that I would have thought trivial and hilarious 7 months ago, I now find burdensome. Everything began to convict me, and it all had to do with the way we relate to people as the new Christian generation. I was sickened by how comfortable I had become with my own worldliness. I lacked gravitas. Everything was permissible in my mind, as long as I made it clear I was joking. I realized the calamity of a flippant tongue. All of this began to weigh down on me and I didn't really know how to deal with it.
I wanted to begin to have a positive impact on my friends and on those around me, but I was haunted by my reputation. Every foul joke or flippant conversation I heard stirred with in me a resentment against myself and my inability to confront these people, and in turn formed a resentment towards the world around me. I sought wise counsel, and found guidance there, but still was plagued by a constant bitterness as I struggled not to condemn those around me even though they would not hear me out. This internal battle grew over the next few months, often becoming external, I would lash out in gossip to my girlfriend, or just feed the bitterness with my thoughts. I thank God for the patience he had with me, and furthermore, for blessing me with a girlfriend who wields understanding and patience like limbs. The battle ultimately sent me into a cave of loneliness, anger and despair. Often I found days of peace, but ironically amongst all these convictions I was so far from my father in heaven. The plague of bitterness fed every evil desire within my heart, and attacked the good within me. Most days, I was at my wits end. I really did not know how to rid myself of my bitterness without ridding myself of my convictions.
But here is where it gets good.
God is faithful.
Last Sunday, I did something that I should have humbled myself enough to do 6 months ago. I walked into church out of a sense of obligation. Worship began, and something happened. I actually, without doubt or selfishness, went before God and asked for help. All I wanted to do was worship Him. So I asked simply that he could please offer me direction on how I am to handle these convictions when I feel that they are only pushing me away from people. I asked Him to show me where to draw the line in the way I relate to those around me. i knew that I needed to be loving people, but I also struggled so much with fearing a return to my comfort with sinful behavior. I asked God with a pure and trusting heart, for help.
Not 30 mins later as I was deeply engaged within the pastors exhorting sermon and I looked over at my girlfriend Carissa who was reading ahead in Titus. At first I wanted to poke her and tell her to pay attention because the sermon was really good, but that was not Gods plan for her that night. minutes later she handed me her bible and pointed to a passage, it still brings me tears when i think about it.
9 But avoid foolish controversies, genealogies, dissensions, and quarrels about the law, for they are unprofitable and worthless. 10 As for a person who stirs up division, after warning him once and then twice, have nothing more to do with him, 11 knowing that such a person is warped and sinful; he is self-condemned. -Titus 3:9-11
God gave me clear direction within an hour of my pure prayer to Him. Now I am not saying that God will work this way in every situation, sometimes he might want us to wrestle a bit more with an idea or conviction in order to learn something. But in this circumstance I saw it as a clear comment from God telling me this. "Trust me. Come to me with what plagues your mind, but come to me and ask without doubt, with a spirit of longing and righteousness. Make the subjects of your thoughts, the subjects of your prayers, and give me silence in your life and prayer that I may speak to you. I love you, and I want you to seek me, but to deal lovingly with others."
He didn't stop there. Just a two days later I went to my small group and had a conversation with my friend Tyler that lead me to write my blog entitled, "The Meaning of Membership." It is centered in the idea that we as Christians, need to seek unity in the body of Christ and deal with one another kindly, enduring evil and trusting in Gods providence. I encourage you to go read it, for God really spoke to me that night.
Another amazing thing that happened that night is that God showed me that I was not alone in a miraculous way. On the previous Sunday night, my friend Daniel walked into church struggling with much of the same anger and resentment towards others that I was struggling with. I had no Idea. That same night, his girlfriend Megan handed him her bible and pointed out a passage to him....Titus 3:9-11.
Miracles still happen. and God continued to speak...
The next day I felt compelled to read 2 Timothy. Why? I don't know!? But it was perfect and the message God preached to me through my reading finalized this internal transformation for me and prepared me for a reconciliation with the the people i had been bitter with in the past, for a reconciliation with the body of Christ.
Have you ever felt real change within you? Change that you KNEW would last, and it did. I have. I did when I returned from Zimbabwe and the convictions set in. That was a step on my staircase towards His likeness. it took me a long time but as soon as I asked God gave me a huge boost up the next step. I feel change. I realize now the great, very serious importance of out unity as the body of Christ. We MUST deal kindly with one another and always and only seek resolution. Division and denomination within the church break my heart, and I know it breaks the heart of God when we divide his ministry up into factions and begin to aggressively compete. I know it breaks his heart when we gossip and create crevasses in his body. We need to better learn what it means to love like God, take time to fall into the Agape love of Jesus Christ.
This is the passage that changed my life (this time), and I can't wait to see what God is going to teach me next.
So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. Have nothing to do with foolish, ignorant controversies; you know that they breed quarrels. And the Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will.
2 Timothy 2:22-26
Peace and Love my friends. In Christ we stand together.
Thank you so much for sharing!!!
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