The Welcoming Wood

This is a new poem I wrote in the form of a Sestina. Enjoy.












THE day had set as I traveled down a road,
Intimate in its design, twas narrow,
directed toward the setting, golden Sun,
which, softly glowing, slowly came to rest
upon the darkening valleys of this world.
The road was long yet well supplied with fuel,

or, signs were scattered pointing towards the fuel,
twas the duty of the rider on the road
to refuel lest he get lost in the world.
Yet as I rode my eyes began to narrow,
losing sight of signs 'til my coach did rest,
still, as I lost my pace set with the sun.

There, still, I sat and lost sight of the Sun.
Alone, I did not think to seek out fuel,
but I looked elsewhere for a place to rest.
In utter darkness I wandered from the road
into a wood, welcoming, less narrow
and filled with mysteries of a whole new world.

My heart pounded as I entered this world.
By now my mind, had but slipped from the Sun,
and it's warm glow on the road, (too narrow).
I was not limited by need of fuel,
like I had to work for on the narrow road,
But vices here offered me so much rest.

So deeper I wandered to seek out rest.
Rest, that would fit me best within this world.
In darkness there, out of view of the road
in dark, I felt the cold absence of Sun,
and there... I ached. My body called for fuel.
I looked around...my options not so narrow

as they were upon the road, (so narrow).
But, as I took my fuel and found my rest
in the wood... I ached as I ate the fuel.
Still I craved more, it hurt. Trapped now in this world
that seemed more like a cage. And for the Sun
I longed, as I remembered its warmth on the road.

So there I sit entrapped within this world.
I have the key and I can sense the Sun,
But..could I, now, return to that narrow road?

Radiance of Beauty

A whisper more gentle than a humble baratone, a note that carries on.

A beauty with more power than a monstrous mount, it's river trickles down.

It falls to rest in the valley of my eyes,
It's whisper cries out and to my surprise,
I find myself falling, up, into the skies.

Stars like the sun, forever exploding, never ceasing to burn, ever bright.

And in the door of your soul, my heart is eroding, when I look upon that beautiful sight.

Spectacles of brown that trickle down and fall to rest upon soft wings

They entangle my will and I begin to drown, trapped within the depth of your being.

Futile words cannot describe your presence,
Haunting though it is,
Upon its air, my soul does dance, 
And from the depths of that prism,
Swept in a trance, three words pour forth,


And I fall into you.
As the peak takes it's form, as one becomes two, unyeilding you catch me,
And I catch you.

As we find ourselves falling through rays of glorious sunlight, forever shining, we take flight.

My heart in fright, clasps tightly to yours, and my passion surpasses the mighty moor, as through violent rays we venture forth, our eyes set, forever forward.

Formula for Death? Part. 1

Do we as Christians really want a relationship with Jesus? or are we looking for a list of guidelines for living? A faith like taking pills to make you a good, moral, acceptable person who has a spot saved in heaven. Taking communion without depth, reading the word and praying out of obligation, and serving and tithing that we may feel like we are worthy of some reward that heaven has to offer. If this is true, we are not living for God, but we are living like the Pharisees, we are self-righteous, removing Christ from the Gospel and making it a gospel about our lives rather than the life of our God. We forget that our faith is built on emulating the loving and loyal nature of Jesus Christ, not on becoming perfect little christians. We debate and bicker about theology in order to prove ourselves to God, (or to ourselves) rather than spending our energy loving one another and seeking the lost, the sinners, who have no use for the complex theology that we think we can grasp with our little minds. As far as I am concerned, the bible is clear with one thing more than any other, "Eat of my flesh, drink of my Blood... Love your Father in heaven and love your neighbor as yourself." -Jesus. In all the gospel you do not see Jesus seeking out debate, sure, he will clarify the truth when challenged (With parables) But more or less, he is building relationships, he is loving, and healing. We here in America are at risk. We have substituted Jesus for our Ministry, for ourselves. Have we completely forgotten what the Gospel truly stands for, we cannot let our formulaic, capitalistic mindset infect our faith. There is no formula for successful ministry, successful ministry is to love others more than yourself and to put Jesus above yourself and love him with all of your heart.  to give ALL that you have to him and follow the Will of his Father. Our Father.

it is the moment when you die to your self-interest when you discover the beauty, the power in you. - Mama Maggie Gobran

The more i think about it, the more I realize we have started an "American Gospel." Where ministry becomes about power, megachurches, money....numbers... THAT is not the gospel. Where did the relationships go? Where did the humility go? Where did Jesus go? Why do we think it is necessary to build Christian Empires here in America? I don't want to judge because I am just as guilty of following and feeding this trend as anyone, but it is hitting me hard, and it scares me. Have we convoluted the gospel with relevancy, with progression, and with consumerism?

I was just lucky enough to see a presentation by Mama Maggie Gobran. She emulated Christ. She was humble, simple, loving...yet... successful. She has started one of the biggest ministries in the world serving orphans in Cairo for over 20 years. What are we doing with our affluence here? I know it is easier said than done, but its just a thought.

This is just the introduction to something deeper and much more focused that I have been pondering over. I just can't shake this feeling that we might be misleading ourselves, endangering ourselves.

True Love=True Grit

This is just a thought that has been screwing with my mind and my perspectives lately, so I thought I might as well share it. It's about love. What is love?Well, when you think of love what images or thoughts come to mind? (in a general sense) in many cases the visuals that come to mind are fluffy, soft, pink, red, rosy, etc. Basically whatever we buy into on Valentines Day. Or maybe you think of your favorite romantic movie, (or novel for you older ladies, naughty, naughty). "Oh. Love is the Notebook. He wrote to her for A YEAR! if that is not love, then what is!? Then they kiss in the rain, and..oh.. it is just so romantic!"

Ya. i couldn't agree with you more. It kills me every time.

But what about that makes it love?

Is it the letters? No.
The Kiss? No.
The fact that they are both beautiful? Yes....I mean...NO!

The thing that makes that scene so romantic is that it reveals to the audience the pain that both of them have been suffering. It shows the ramification of devotion is suffering. The process of love, is pain.

I just recently read a book by Francis Chan called, Erasing Hell. In it, he talks about the side of God that many of us try to hide, or cover for. The side of God that is wrathful, vengeful. the side of God that Kills, wipes out nations. The side of God that causes suffering and pain. The side of God that allows people to go to Hell. Many of us pretend this God does not Exist.

We call God love based purely on the side of God that we most like. We see his love in his forgiveness, in his sacrifice, in his grace and mercy. But, we decide we need to cover for him, or hide him when he is doing something, un-loving, (in our eyes).

Well this is failure to understand God, and it is a direct contradiction to our own preaching. When we profess God as Love, we are saying God is Synonymous to Love. That God IS Love. Therefore, God does not exist outside of Love, and Love cannot exist outside of God. The funny thing is that this isn't even our profession of God, so we don't get to choose if this is true or not. This is Gods definition of Himself.

So, Once we admit that God is Love, we have to realize that ALL that he does, is Love. Once we do this we will soon realize just how much we don't understand Love. Love wiped out the nations of Sodom and Gomorra. Love ordered the Israelites to Kill, wipe out nations, women and children. Love let a righteous man lose all he had and become sick with disease, just to test him. Love set the boundaries of damnation.

Its hard to think of Love as flowers, sunshines, and kisses now isn't it.

This is Love. God is Love. God is merciful, forgiving, graceful, caring. God is wrathful, angry, vengeful.

If Love cannot exist outside of God, then our capacity to Love is in God. so, when we finally find someone who we find is worth loving, we will soon discover the side of love that they don't put in valentines day cards. The side of love that is defined by pain and suffering.

When did we decide that love is all sweets and sugar. When did we decide that love was cheesy and soft. Love is probably one of the hardest, most complex and gritty things in this whole world. It is the definition of our Human Race. We are made in the image of Love. We are made to experience Love, and we do. But in our society we have chosen to forget the side of love that is hard, and therefore, many don't know how to love. This is why 51% of first marriages fail.

So, the reason I am writing this post is to SHIFT the perspective of Love. Lets start looking at Love like a gritty word. When you think of love, think of danger, not the bad kind, that denotes evil, but the good kind. Like an adventure with Indiana Jones, where the outcome is a beautiful artifact. Or a battle in Lord of the Rings, lots of death and pain, but they destroyed the Ring! Love is a gritty word. Its not all daisy's and puppies. It's more like Batman and Warfare. The outcome will always be beautiful, if you are willing to fight for it. Love is justice, Love is beauty, Love is pain, Love is grace. True love requires True Grit, just think like John Wayne.

Alone amongst Blurs

Sitting here, surrounded by sound

Voices of people and music invade

My ears and my spirit moves in slow motion

Acknowledging nothing

I’m sitting alone in a crowded room

Where the world and its people come to sit

To escape the hectic and dive within

Into their souls to see their true selves

Solving their problems, aligning equations

Losing their souls in masked invasions

To find a completion to all of this mess

And to place themselves

Where they just might feel blessed

As they sit and stop and search to find

They give blur to the truth and lose their minds

And as I sit alone in a crowded room

Without a soul to caress my lofty heart

No consolation to find for my plagued soul

Alone and lonely and broken apart

From a world of people who look to solve

The problem of pain and the earths resolve

As I sit alone and move in slow motion

I condemn the blurs and masses around

Breaking my soul… that tearing sound

As I seek to solve the problem of pain

But I have all the answers in my brain

Yet I am going insane as I try to solve

The mysteries of them, and the earths resolve

And the circle lies within my eyes

As I sit and peer down from statuesque seat

Unto the blurs of the lost, blind, wandering feet

And I discover why my soul feels so incomplete

Cause I sit and peer and I point at the meek

And I rest amongst the blurs as they are trying to solve

The problem of pain and the earths resolve

When I sit upon the truth, upon my statue

Knowing the truth, yet scared and broken

Until I walk, not lonely again

The circle appears and I feel the sin

Of the circle itself as I wander again

In the sea of lost souls as they are seeking to solve

But I bring clarity there and I bring resolve

To the searching the wanting the desire for truth

As my statue is shattered manacles let loose

And the slumbered awake but the world remains slow

But the blurs are now clear and I see without fear

But the circle has power, and I cannot win

But the strength of the beauty that now lies within

Is that I am not alone, nor broken, nor dim

But a lamp being used to bring light unto him.

The King-Slayer & Snakeskin

The King-Slayer

Who am I? Define my image.
What has been etched on the walls
of my soul? A beautiful corsage,
though life springs forth as it falls
on the wrist of a beloved,
is dying. So what facade
is my image revealing?

Doth my heart resolve to seek what is dying?
to betray myself with fear,
to give into this esteem so blinding,
do I align my fate with that of Lear?
Shall I force away my one pure love
to boost my pride, to find foundation,
and become blind to the devils masked as doves,
until betrayed, I am entirely alone again?

Shall my hair be cut, or sanity lost
whilst in this sea of troubles
I'm turned and tossed?
For the strongest kings betrayed themselves,
for a love they would never find
If they should fall, then to what Hell
should my soul be lost and bind.

Snakeskin

The skins of my path hath been shed.
They lie intact, though they lie behind
the skin is dead, what's said is said,
yet to look upon it, I'm still inclined.

Like the serpent leaves his common case
to freely move with a fresh exterior
his prints are left and you can trace
the scars and marks that he once bore.

So the dead skins of our past do reveal
the mistakes and pain we've left behind.
It speaks truths about us, and though we've healed
Our fingers trace the jagged lines.

The Silent Staff: Inspired By the Invisible Children 25 Event.

God-Ordained and rightly placed,
the staff befell his hand
and thus solemnity took his face,
as he led them to their land.

A brother torn, a prince no more
as he is humbled by the call.
With knees bent hard upon the floor
Enmity 's destroyed by the faithful.

And yet, Man's heart it hath not changed,
as brothers beat enslave and maim.
and thus our Lord doth call our names,
and with a silent staff we are ordained.

for God ordained and rightly placed,
our voices within our throats.
To scream against all injustice,
and to bridge our man-made-moats.

Or to sit in silent protest here,
while our brothers are at war.
To bend our knees with reverent fear,
til enmity is shattered on the floor.


To learn more about Invisible Children, visit http://www.invisiblechildren.com 

A Vicious Love: An Epic Poem.

This world has nothing for me.
though it's pleasing to my eyes;
It's a blanket of His glory,
yet The Devil's Paradise.
Malicious in nature, we
set our eyes on glory,
glory for ourselves to
build a sovereign dynasty.
Our hands and words conceal
knives; knives directed for backs
of our brothers whom we
profess to love above all others.

~--~

The Tiger sits among men
on an earth intended
for Him. His Ferocity is calm,
his claws burn bright. among
a dark world he is vicious
with light. With eyes like fire
he orchestrates his wrath
His teeth gorge and tear, they
scourge and they shred
at the earth made for him to share
with mankind. But amongst
all the pain the lessons are lost.
The tigers eyes weary as he
thinks of the cost. He closes
them gently and transforms
his being, and as he forgoes
this process, the enemy
Is seething.
                For as the
velvet glove befalls his
iron hand, he opens his heart
and releases The Lamb.

~--~

Little Lamb, who made Thee?
The world of man asks. For
They can't help but bask in  the
shadow he casts. His words
mystify us, and we are drawn
from our thrones, and for the
first time in ages, we
find our souls are sent home.
The Lamb becomes beautiful
though he is masked as
 a beast. He shows us a
glimpse of his throne and invites
us to feast, and my soul is
released, and I feel all at peace,
and I close my eyes and I
climb to my feet, and I
look at the Lamb, and he's
knelt before me. Then I
beg him to rise, look into
His eyes, but he remains.
Then I look at my feet, how swiftly
they have led me to pain
and deceit, but the stains
I once knew are no longer there.
And I rejoice with the Lamb at
this greatest of feats and look
unto him and see his stained fleece...

~--~

Evil Wins... Or so it may seem,
as they skin my lamb and
torture him before me. And then
They tie him to a tree. Then
they spit and mock Thee!
Oh, Little Lamb, who will save Thee?
Oh, It cannot be me! For
The Feet that you cleaned, they
already flee! to dirty again
to betray and to sin...
So amongst the demons
I'm in darkness again...
Thinking, and longing
for my sweet Lamb.

~--~

My weary soul wanders amongst
the dark world. No direction
no meaning, no connection.
My back's ridden with sores
with knives left to fester
left by men and demons
in pleasure.
                 My sullied eyes
bleed and shed tears as I'm
enveloped by my fears. Life
becomes a nightmare, Though,
it always was.
                     And what's left
of my being, slowly sheds off.
And I am cast from my body
to wander naked in fright, But
my weary soul spots the
ever-present light. And as
I draw nearer, I realize
I am carried, for by my
own fruition all weakened,
and wearied, my soul it was
tethered to my remaining flesh,
captivated and sentenced to death.
Now I float freely and wander within
the tomb of my Lamb, the Temple of Life.
The Tiger, He smiles, I feel no fright.
For his claws have been drawn and
he calls me in; to rest easy, beside him,
I am finally home.

Shipwrecked Refugees. (a spot in time)

So, I was just lying in bed, when all of the sudden I was overcome with an overwhelming sense of a vile presence. It was very unnerving at first, and i tried to shake it, seeing as I get similar feelings most nights. A little confession of mine is that I am semi-scared of the dark. I mean, I can handle darkness, in fact, often times I embrace it, but there are many nights that I fin myself a little anxious in that 3 steps between the light switch and the bed. (I blame my dad for showing my poltergeist when i was five). Anyways, tonight was different.

I could not shake it. I prayed, I recited scripture, I prayed, I texted my lifegroup, and I prayed. It didn't leave, and the nervousness started to turn to fear. Then I got to thinking, which is something I often do, and i found myself in a "spot of time," or an epiphany. I realized how much I did not want to be on this earth forever. Now, a lot of you might be thinking, well duh. We ALL want to go to heaven. But in actuality, this is something i wrestle with a lot. I always fight the desire to want to go to heaven by placing value in what this earth has to offer, like marriage, a career, kids, etc.

Lately, i feel like God has been doing a number on my heart, in tremendous ways. Things that held great value and importance to me no longer satisfy my obsessions. God has really been filling me up with himself. saturating my soul. I have been feeling a healthy apathy for things that I used to pour myself into, like school, money, and girls. God has very much surpassed these things lately, (i say this in all humility knowing that in time all that can change, and it is only by the grace of Jesus that I can say such things).

So, relevance? I honestly think that god allowed me to continue to feel that presence of evil tonight. He wanted me to have that revelation, he wanted me to finally understand that I truly do not belong here...and he wanted me to write about it. Because even after I had that little spot of time, I could not rest easy without writing about it. So i grabbed a notebook and a pen, and in a couple of minutes, I had a new poem scribbled up. You see, God knows our passions and our talents, and he wants us to use them for his good and for our own good. i have recently come to an understanding within myself, and with God, that I am supposed to write. Why? Because of moments like tonight. When i have a spot of time, I literally feel fear that I might not remember.

Lately, I have been lazy in my writing. I do not always write when I feel inspired. I make excuses that I am too tired, or that I will do it another time. NOPE! That is not how it works. It has to be a spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings as William Wordsworth put it.

So, You see how God can use ONE situation, ONE feeling for a multitude of lessons and good. As I write all of this, I KNOW it is truth, and not just a hunch. He wanted me to realize that this earth is evil. We are hunted and harvested by evil, as cheesy as it sounds, it is true. He wanted me to realize this, and he wanted me to write it out. I didn't even plan on writing this blog, I was just going to post the poem, but I feel this is very necessary, and honestly, i don't think these words are all mine, but rather, His.

So, here it is. Take it for all that it is worth... love it or hate, at least read it.

SHIPWRECKED REFUGEES

This world is a graveyard, a minefield of souls
that are prey to it's wrath, a wick left to kindle.
This land is not our land, it belongs to the flesh
and as we burn and decay, so all turns to death.
We shant want to remain here upon this war-feild
of fiery arrows, of loves cloven shield.
Hack away at the manacles lain down by our minds,
yes, remove us from darkness, restore sight to the blind.
If this ground's the foundation of fiery hate
that gives breed to our pride and defiles my slate,
then what shall I want from a world such as this-
thats imperfect as me? - Enveloped Darkness.

For like the mist it captures the minds
of the lonely, the weak, the scourged and the blind.
It feeds on the weak like a crow to dead flesh
and on the horseman's last ride it shall all turn to ash.
But alas, The War stands as we are forced to our knees
To stand firm as One, as Shipwrecked Refugees.

A Well Behaved Beast

This Poem was inspired by Lucy Pevensie Sill, and is dedicated to all well behaved beasts, including myself.











My master calls, I run to him,
my heart is filled with joy!
To escape the yard, to see the world
to protect him, I employ.

Excitement fills my heart to it's brim
as he straps me to my leash.
and though I'm content to be with him
I beg him for release.

I break away, I'm running free
as the wind blows in my face
and the sweet and soft smells of the air
declare heaven of this place.

The grass of the earth, it tickles my feet
as i sprint until my legs won't let
and as my soul feels most complete
of my master I forget

My body grows weak and I stop to rest
in the darkness now, the sun is gone
it's then I realize that I'm lost
and that I'm not alone.

Along with the night the pests do come
and in the dark  hear them stir,
with a desperate soul, my heart does groan
with thoughts of my dear master

I wine and yelp as I search for him
In the shadows of ferocious trees
and the fear in my heart is dark as sin
and I no longer feel the soft wind breeze

As my world collapses in the night
I lose all hope and sit alone
in the coldest air with my mind in fright
I hear a distant drone

My ears perk up as I hear the sound
of someone I used to know
so to the voice I do abound
the dark I overthrow

I see the light and find him there
my master calls my name
with descending ears and tail tucked in
I go to him in shame

But he comes to me and pets my head
and straps me to my leash.
and with a firm but loving tone
he calls me "well behaved beast."

Flower Epoch

Gentle night, flower of life, roots ever searching
digging deep, sharp and broken, as the air grows course.
Wind takes flight, cuts like a knife, into pedals ever fading
and light creeps, skies silver token, lays shadow on remorse

Deepest dark, ferocious front, stem in desperation.
Holding fast, roots lacking anchor, hastened futility.
attempt to hark, become unbent, to find a foundation.
Broken mast... falsified fervor, the roots then release.

Wretched skies, horrid freedom, uplifted in darkness.
Lost direction, wrapped in chaos, fighting no longer.
Cast aside, wind dies down, landing on pages.
Found protection? trapped when lost, in the spine, now stronger.

The HOT scoop on ALL your favorite CELEBS!

So, this is just a quick thought that came to me right as I was getting ready for bed. I should be fast asleep, since i start school tomorrow, but that would be a little contradictory to what I have to say. What I have to say is... that we need to take action. We need to pray.

The "hot scoop" that I have on all of your favorite celebrities is that they are... HUMAN! It can be so easy to forget that sometimes, and tonight I feel like God reminded me of that fact. I was listening to some music from the popular rap artist, "Kid Cudi," and a lot of his lyrics, though sometimes vulgar, are about feeling disconnected and alone in the world, lost in all it's chaos, trying to find some joy or good feeling. At first I found myself put off by some of the obscenities. Then I found myself belittling Mr. Cudi for his shameless drug references, thinking, "well that is so cliche of him, using drugs to escape the sadness!" But, then God punched me in the jaw.

I began to think how badly Kid Cudi seems to need the Lord. How all this frustration and heartache and loneliness he seems to feel, could be alleviated by the love of God. It made me sad, because I began to think how many people try to share the love of God with Kid Cudi on a regular basis? Not too many I assume. I mean, I assume in most celebrity lives, there is not a workplace christian friend who is slowly building a relationship with them to convert them. Odds are, most the people Kid Cudi works with are just as lost as he is.

It seems we get so wrapped up in looking at these people as icons and putting them on such enormous pedestals that we often forget that they are God's children as well. We are so quick to judge them, in ways we would never judge our close friends or neighbors... for some reason unknown to me, we hold them to a higher standard, when in actuality we should be holding them to a much lower standard, for many are living at the core of americas materialistic plague.

Now, i am not saying that we need to all hop in a bus and drive to all the music studios and pruduction companies and start witnessing to movie stars and musicians, but what I am calling you to do, is to become people of prayer. When you see a celebrity couple going through a divorce caused by adultery, instead of judging them, pity them, think how hard it must be to live under a magnifying glass, to have your marriage and life constantly surveyed by strangers. Then pray for them. pray for healing, pray for them to discover true love in Christ.

I am always to sickened by our obsession with celebrity scandal and with TMZ, but I have never done anything about it. So, I am going to try to make it my mission to pray for these people. Right now, i will pray for Kid Cudi, that he can find love in his life, that Jesus will work in his heart. We need to seriously cast off all the snide comments, all the judgement, and all the mundane worldliness in our lives and become Christians who actually pray for others. In every area of our lives, we need to become people of prayer.

Anyways, I need to get to bed. It was just a thought, but I think that if we take this upon our hearts, we will become much happier people. Prayer will soften us, and save others. It's time we stand out in this world as people who love the unloved.

Soul's Door.

Stripped of his scales, delivered from darkness
eyes left wide open
and the fog of the trail thins o'er the thorn brush
and again, his eyes widen

looking down at her hands, she sees what they are
lids tense, and ajar
Oh how they abscond from the good they are meant for
"Calm... relieve souls doors"

Then time doth progress, and change in excess
with eyes ever peering
my heart's in a trance, and my mind does not sense
that my eyes should be fearing

Seduction of thoughts, and feed the foul pride
keen eyes grow careless
and all that we've fought, and kept from inside
returns us to darkness

Again, he does wander, and her hand's stretched in fear
sight has been cut
inadequate and tender, our minds search for answers
but with eyes sewn shut

but as sure as the night, the light it shall come
as weary eyes waken
and with a conscience of fright, they give in to Him
and their eyes are wide open.

Refusal.

"The only thing we have to do is to refuse to give in. [to temptation]" -Mother Teresa.

This is a fairly heavy quote. Most times I am faced with the concept of temptation, I think of it in its most basest form, the kind that seems to be most prevalent and blatant in our culture, sexual. The passing of a young, pretty and scantily clad woman, sensual movie scenes, and solitude on the internet, these are times when I find myself tempted to think unwholesome thoughts and to do unwholesome acts. But, because the sin itself is so blatant, so is the escape. Look away, log off, flee... It is not always easy, but the escape is clear. In these situations I find it is easy to act according to this quote my Mother Teresa, but what about temptation that is much deeper and complex? Giving into the enemies lies about loneliness, the perception of others about myself, injustice against pride, suffering? All of the sudden simply refusing to give in does not seem as attainable, it becomes much harder to simply grasp the idea when the "escape" is less visible.

I, of recent, have come to terms with the fact that that I struggle with loneliness, whether I am in actuality alone or not, I have a lingering fear of being alone. There are times when I find myself sitting in despair, wasting away time and energy with thoughts of self pity, anger, and hopelessness. In times like this, I have in fact, succumbed to temptation. I have let the devil convince me that I am not loved, I have let him put weight in the opinions of those who do not matter (in light of God's love), and in turn, I have given the devil grounds to feed my pride, even if in that moment I feel none, because once the despair settles, I can become hardened, angry, and selfish. Giving in to the delusion that I am alone, and therefore my focus should be on my own self defense.

So, in view of such a moment of despair contrasted with this quote with mother teresa, I can try to put my finger on that moment when I failed to "refuse to give in," and I can't. This is because refusal is not always just a black and white "pre-sin" decision we make. In many cases of deeply rooted sin or suffering, refusal is in itself a process that we must seek after, and start enacting and living in our day to day lives, that will eliminate these fleeting moments of servanthood to our pain that build disdain within our souls. Refusal then becomes something we live rather than something you do every now and then.

In my case, I was today, inspired by the writings/teachings of Thomas Merton, a Trappist Monk.

 "If we are to love sincerely and with simplicity we must first of all overcome our fear of not being loved...We must somehow strip ourselves of our greatest illusions about ourselves, frankly recognize how many ways we are unlovable, descend into the depths of our being until we come to the basic reality that is in us, and learn to see that we are lovable after all, in spite of everything!...We must find our real self in all it's elemental poverty, but also in its great and very simple dignity: created to be a child of God, and capable of loving with something of God's own sincerity and his unselfishness."

Thus, this act of humbling myself before God, of attempting to relieve my fear, is my refusal. When I begin to do this, my sincerity in my relationship with the father will grow, and thus my concern with being loved by other men will be replaced by a desire to love the God within them. Merton writes that once we are,

"Centered entirely upon the immense liberality that we experience God's love for us, we will never fear that his love could fail us. Strong in the confidence that we are loved by him, we will not worry too much about the uncertainty of being loved by other men. I do not mean that we will be indifferent to their love for us...but we will never have to be anxious about their love."

I found great peace in this. I have hear it said over and over that we should feel secure in knowing that we have the love of God, so therefore nothing else matters. But that does not mean I know how to discover this love. When I read this I realized that I can truly discover and start to live in the love of God by loving God and loving the God in others with all sincerity, and I can only attain true sincerity through humility. 

"Sincerity must be bought at a price: The humility to recognize our innumerable errors, and fidelity to tirelessly setting them right."

So, if my goal is to love, and I am tirelessly trying to love others and meditate on God's love for me, I do not have the time nor the energy to sit in despair, and the more I love, the more love replaces the loneliness that I was once held captive to. 

Now, I am not yet free, like everything, perfect and pure sincere love takes practice, prayer, takes practice, morality...takes practice and a conscious effort and fidelity. People think that you need to just BE moral, just be good, just be loving... and then when they fail they do not know why, and they begin a cycle of insecurity and self frustration that will lead to frustration with God.

Just like I will never be an expert musician or athlete without practice and patience, so I will never be a skilled and honed man of God who can love sincerely without loads of practice and patience. Practice is not success, if we always succeeded, it would not be practice. Practice is the exercise of failing again and again, but getting better with each attempt. Thus love and morality must be attempted again and again, we must fail, again and again. we must refuse to be angry, refuse to to sin, we must fail at both, but tirelessly keep trying, and in our moments of hopelessness we will find a greater strength that was built out of our little efforts here and there that we implanted by living a life of Refusal.

The Tyrant- and Other Poems

So, last semester I took a Shakespeare class, as many may know from previous posts. Studying the work, and life of such a brilliant mind did a number on me as a person, and a writer. The class inspired me to try out a lot of different kinds of writing, but mainly, poetry. over the course of the semester I wrote about 15-20 poems. Looking back on my work, they reflected the various emotions and ideas I had been toiling over and wrestling with.  I have decided to post some of my favorites, the poems that I felt were the most genuine, and from the heart. I hope you enjoy. If you have any questions about any of the poems and their origins, I am open to being open with you!








The Tyrant


True love is a democracy,
So when'd this tyrant come to pow'r?
taketh his time to envelope me,
and haunt 'til our last fateful hour.

To sit and dream about our love,
it once betook mine open eye,
n' thy beauty like the whitest dove,
all this was tainted with our lie.

Bespeek a lie, yes, that there too.
I closed thy lips with sullied hush,
and softly speak false love to you
Truth... lost myself, within the rush.

Twas then the swine but did begin
to show himself with ghastly squeal
to snarl and surface from within
and so my heart began to reel

the truths revealed with vile gesture
but hath two options left for they
leave tainted wounds to rot and fester
or grab the flesh and cut away

and so the truth yet wins again
there, do two souls speak... pain, be gone.
praise skies above, for grace within
and with their scars they carry on.

The Peak


Paradise, Oh Paradise, where doth though lie?
burrow in my mind and consumeth mine eye.
how exquisite your beauty, tis held in the peak
a mount built by hearts, the skies they doth seek.
foundation, o'er foundation etched in hard stone
I calleth on you as the sculptor to hone.
Bringeth the flame or shocks from above
reinforcing the frame that holdeth our love.

Oh artist of wonder you pleaseth mine eye
Her beauty transcends the depths of the sky
Oh maker and foreman of thy human heart,
thou hast implanted in her, your greatest of art.
So true to thy word, you buried this rose.
in the dirt of your garden it forever grows.
So there i shall walk, in the shade of your trees
proclaiming your love that outweighs the sees.

 in the sight of this son, what can i do,
but walketh beside her in service of you.



Fire of Desire (I am not dramatic, life was frustrating when i wrote this...lol)

The bondage of my heart is sorely felt
a choking scream - upon a murderous eye
inside, it withers slowly, a rose - to wilt
The holder then does strangle me - to die.

Desire, she plagues my soul with every moon
a hollowness left gaping in the wind
the dust and ash infect, tis then i swoon,
oh save me lest I suffer to mine end.

set fire to that rotten fruit, and flames-
yes, lick and stab and burn this offered head
draw life from wounds, deliver me from shame
from death and ash do rise, my beloved.

Awaketh from this monstrous nightmare
dead skin left peeled, mew flesh my soul doth bare.


Her.


Oh sweetest heart, that time doth part
I pray this prayer for you
May Lord above, o'er power his love
and make your heart anew
With each new dawn, may you be undone
o' soiled parchments of this world
So that you're free, to clearly see
the father's will unfurled
As trees abound, without a sound
So my love will surely grow
in silence here, with every prayer,
though your name I still don't know.


Sense - feeling of animate being


How to describe this quiet air
that rings my ears when no one's there
I look around as if to search
will bring solution to loves besmirch.

how I miss the taste of loves sweet lips
no, not just the love within a kiss
but endearments soft and sweetly spoke
an ascending bulge within my throat

The sweetest smell of true loves breath
and caressing the soft of true loves neck
do draw within most powerful lore
of a love that lasts forevermore

Tis the plague of love that brings desire,
'T does coax the senses that light the fire.

An Everyday Journey through Hell.


Alone...alone, it shan't be done
the narrow path, it twists and turns
My soul, my shoes they're worn, they're gone,
my naked feet among the thorns.

The light, the light I strive to find
for in this darkness I travel blind
the hunter lay not far behind
He aims to kill, my soul to bind

Demon, Demon what a horrible wretch
who in the dark doth glow, aflame.
perplexed my mind attempts to fetch
false light that bears oh sullied name.

Oh pain! oh pain! inflicted to kill
My heart's aflame, my screams are shrill
oh detriment of my own will,
has left me in the darkness still.

escape, escape my soul cannot
alone, i fight against the cage
My face grows pale, my blood runs hot
my soul left broken, torn, enraged

Above, Above doth search my eyes
My pride left Shattered, my all, it cries!
"Oh save me from this foul demise"
and instantly, clouds clear the skies

The path! The path! The light reveals!
i run, i sprint, forget my pride
I dance, I sing, when upon soft hills
I see the father, his arms spread wide.

Alone...Alone, oh nevermore
all pain is gone, that I once bore
For when pride was left upon the floor
twas in the light, my soul did soar.


Ahhh... I think that will do for now! thanks to all of you who read all of them! I hope my the extremities of my emotional capacity did not bother you!

Thoughts on Life and Glory.

glory
Part of Speech:	noun
Definition:	fame, importance

What am I living for? Such a cliche, but I find that I don't ask myself that question quite enough. What am I LIVING for, it's actually quite a heavy question. Cause really, the most important thing in our brief little lives is the life itself, (duh), but think about it. Life: Theologians and scientists study, ponder, and debate over its origins. People "devote" themselves to politics, religions, and materials in an attempt to put a label on theirs. All these things that societies and cultures are built on are established in an attempt to answer that cliche, "What am I living for?"

Many people will attempt to tell you what they live for, when in actuality they have no idea, they are just parroting some ideal or philosophy that sounded good to them, but are they really living it? I know that I fall into this category. I call myself religious, I call myself a Christian, but to what extent do I grasp the weight of my words? To what extent am I honestly answering that question? I believe, the way we can find the true answers for ourselves is to examine our actions. Do you live for fun? Do you live for pleasure? Money? Status and fame? Self-aggrandizement? or something deeper? This is not a new idea or philosophy, and it is found in many religions and beliefs. But, how often do we access this idea and analyze our lives, AND THEN, make changes accordingly?

I feel like I need to define for myself, where I stand in my life, WHAT I stand for. Up until now I can definitely say that I lived for pride, in all shapes and sizes. Now, pride is not all bad, but the pride I lived for was false and weak. I live for pride in myself, and the only way I found to boost this pride was to access the pride and attention of those around me. When others are proud of me, I am proud of myself. You can imagine how self destructive this can become, being that I am just shy of perfection. (Just kidding don't freak out!) I am actually tremendously imperfect, and I am ironically aware of this.

Anyways, my world thus far has been extremely self centered., I have been living for ME and since I am but a speck on the landscape of of the universe and time, what kind of Glory am I living for? If I am living for a temporary speck, how grand, how epic is my life? So, when I am living for myself, I am being self destructive (in the sense of glory and pride). Ironically, if I want to find self worth and pride, I have to live for something greater than myself, but to truly live for something greater than yourself you have to not care about your own glory.... wow, I know, it gets a bit convoluted. Such is the by product of seeking your own glory.

SO! How does one become someone who lives for something greater than himself? For something Eternal and Grand? To do this, I have to make my main concern the glory of Jesus, the Christ. Thus far, I have lived for the Glory of Austin Sill, The Speck!

(YES, I just brought God into the equation, and now many may become squeamish and detain themselves from reading on, but I ask of you to be open minded just for a second, because much of what I have to say transcends spirituality, and it can help edify you in overcoming frustration and insecurity in life.)

I can honestly say I am tired of being proud and selfish at my core, why? because I am tired of being insecure. Really... insecurity seems to stem from a failure in finding security in my own pride and glory. Since I am human, and therefore I am imperfect, my glory is therefore imperfect, and it is not just imperfect, it is non-existent, for true Glory comes from perfection and it is not self serving, for how important is a man who does nothing for anyone but himself?

It's time to be a crusader for something more glorious than myself. Time to LIVE for the most glorious being, the most powerful King, Christ. But how does one do this? With the primary tool granted to us, the Holy Spirit. We are all too unaware of it, whilst being aware of it. Thomas Merton writes in his book, No Man is an Island, "A man is only perfectly man when he consents to live as a son of God...The Holy spirit is the one who makes us sons of God [it's role in the trinity], justifying our souls by his presence and his charity, granting us the power to LIVE and ACT as sons of God [Jesus]."

Thus we have taken the first step in leaving the life lived for ourselves. We have simply recognized the power and the necessity of the spirit in guiding us to loving and willing the will of God.

BUT WHY? Many will ask this question, why God, why Christ. What proof do you have that living a life with myself at the center is detrimental? Well, here is a thought, and the hey theme to keep in mind through out this upcoming vicious circle of thought is "worth."

If we (Man) are Gods greatest creations, and we are all equal in the eyes of God, Then what does living for yourself, or any other man mean? It means you are living for limited glory, for stagnancy. For something that is impossible to reach new heights of emotional and spiritual welfare with. We are restricted to the flesh, to our own bodies, so what is there to gain by living for any man? For we can see and reach our full potential in the flesh, it has a conspicuous end. So, what does this world and this flesh have to offer that will help us reach new heights of pride, glory and well being? Money, power, fame, sex, fun, pleasure! All awesome things right? But the problem with living for these things is that they are all either created by man and society, or are a small part of us. therefore, if we LIVE for them, we are now living for something that is even less than ourselves. You are therefore, belittling yourself by becoming subservient to a material, or an emotion that will not fulfill you in the most basest of ways, and therefore you waste your life seeking more and more of it because what you have never fulfills.

So you say, fine I will not live for these things, but I can still live for myself. NOPE! because what do you have to offer? All that you have to offer is what you can create, and all that you create is of LESS WORTH than you are yourself. The byproduct of living for oneself is to live for something less than oneself. And, ironically, when a man is living for his own glory, he is actually living in a life that puts him below everyone around him, because for him to find earthly glory he must meet the standards and perception of those around him, he is living for the piteous opinions of others, whose weight of glory is no greater than what he already knows, which therefore has brought him full circle to a place of nothingness, and he becomes trapped on an endless ladder to nowhere.

Me thinks this paradox of misguided self fulfillment is why the world has become such a hostile, suicidal, self destructive and depressed place. We are all jam packed in a closed room of stone, clamoring around, fighting to get higher when there is no where to go. That is why Christs way is so great. When we take him on, and make his glory our focus, we die to ourselves, to that part of us that is fighting in that closed room, and we find ourselves in a new life that is outside of the room, that is enthralled with the beauty that surrounds us, so that our eyes are off of ourselves. Of course, realizing this is just the beginning, and we are not completely free of that room until we have reached a place where our only desire is to love, and live for God.

How freeing it feels to know that he has a plan, and that all I have to do is try my very best to align myself with his desires. To live for oneself is to trap oneself in a box of confusion, how frustrating it is to search for Gold in a pile of crap.